Sunday Confessional

Yes, I have four different kinds of cuticle oil.

1. I compulsively apply cuticle oil throughout the day. Maybe it's because I'm always staring down at my nails typing away on the keyboard, so I'm perpetually reminded of how ragged-looking they are and it kind of ruins my self esteem. And since manicures are m.f.ing expensive, I just keep laying on the cuticle oil. Seriously sometimes five times in one day. It's an obsession. Recently I bought the Sally Hansen VitaSurge cuticle gel. It does the job, but it has these little orange bits (like those things that are the best part of using hand sanitizer!) that sort of get stuck in the sides of your nail and are bothersome. So I would maybe just stick with the regular oil next time. Moving on.

2. Until last week, I was terrified of using a foam roller. I always thought that the people at my gym who used them looked like a rare crossbreed of embarrassing and pretentious and I like to just try and look as normal as possible while I'm working out. Unfortunately, I went and effed up my right IT band last week and because I don't particularly love limping around like a grandma with a hip replacement, I looked up some videos and started foam rolling. Of course, just to confirm my worst fears, a guy I have a mild crush on walked by while I was mid-hip roll and now I'm mortified because, seriously? It's just not even possible to NOT look awkward on a foam roller. I've accepted it. But seriously dude, why couldn't you walk by when I was showing off my superior flexibility during post-cardio stretching? Or how about after I've spent 45 minutes in the locker room straightening my hair and putting on makeup? Since when are you even a member here, eh? Nevermind. Moving on. 

3. I am completely, 100% baffled by the concept of life balance. It's implausible to me. (Also implausible: marriage before I'm 57 years old. My mom suggested that I could be married in the next few years [read: she wants me to move out as soon as possible] and I laughed in her face for hours. No way, Mamacita. It's you and me and slumber parties and hair braiding and ghost stories until I'm on Medicare and finally making millions!) Anyways, I have no idea how to juggle friends and family and work and other work and staying healthy and sane. How the HELL do working mothers do it? How do they not gain 800 pounds, forget the definition of a hair brush and cry themselves to sleep at night? Oh, most of them do? Ok, well that makes me feel better.